Archive for May, 2009

Stuff Megan Does Not Like (Part Three)

I do not like snakes. 

It is not that I think snakes are evil (although I do think snakes are evil), it is just that I do not trust anything that lacks both arms and legs and is able to dislocate its own jaw. Don’t get me wrong, I admire the kind of dedication it takes to dislocate one’s own jaw in order to eat something delicious; it is just that snakes give me the heebie-jeebies. 

Do you think snakes ever get dizzy because of the way in which they need to move from side to side in order to achieve forward momentum? 

I once watched this video of a squirrel that was very angry with a snake. I can only assume that the snake had made an attempt to eat the squirrel. Understandably, this was something that the squirrel did not enjoy. In order to indicate to the snake that this was not an appropriate initial introduction, the squirrel decided it would bite the snake. Repeatedly. Just when it appeared the squirrel had finished biting the snake, the rambunctious little rodent would come back for more. Once the snake had lost a substantial amount of blood and slithered out on to the road, the squirrel, deciding that its message had been received, departed. 

Sometimes snakes get inside of my house. When this happens, I have found the best way to handle the situation is to jump on some sort of piece of furniture that is elevated from the floor, point at the snake and say, “Eghhhhhhaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh,” until someone else comes to usher the snake out of the house. I am not saying this is how all people should handle unwelcome visits from snakes, I am just saying that this is the method that works for me.


Stuff Megan Does Not Like (Part Two)




Let me tell you something about running: I am not good at it.

I may be one of the slowest runners alive. Actually, I would even go so far as to say that what I do does not really even qualify as running. It is pretty much walking, except I move my arms in a more exaggerated manner and get a lot more sweaty. 

Even though I despise running, for the last five weeks I have risen at 6 a.m. each Saturday morning to begin preparing for my running group. Running group does not actually begin until 7:30 a.m., but I have to brush my teeth, dress, eat breakfast and drive to my running partner’s house by 7:00 a.m. in order to arrive on time at the community centre the running group meets at.

Once we arrive at the community centre, I spend approximately five minutes lamenting to my running partner about my disdain for running. Usually, before five minutes have elapsed, we have started our morning run, and I am forced to make a choice between talking and breathing. 

Because I am not a runner, I am unable to complete our entire run without taking a couple of walking breaks. I have adopted a three minute run to one minute walk approach that gives my lungs a brief break. My running partner likes to run without these breaks. “When I stop,” she said one morning, “my legs start to feel heavy, like wood.” This is when I mocked her over her choice of words. Wood? Really? Not lead? Because most people probably would have used lead as a comparison. “You know how heavy wood is when it has been in water for a while?” I did not know, and our friendship has suffered ever since. 

I do sometimes worry that we will come to loathe one another because of these early morning runs. I hate running. She hates running. It only makes sense that, through classical conditioning, we will learn to associate one another with running and eventually hate each other. Actually, I am not worried as far as I am concerned. I have a winning smile and a sparkling personality. It is nearly impossible to dislike me.

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