Archive for June, 2012

An Ode to Hamilton

I see him, without fail, each time I take the dogs for an evening stroll. “If ever someone were to eat 80% of my face,” I think to myself, “it would be you.” When we pass, I look him right in the eye (just one though) to make sure that he knows that I know he is not to be trusted.

Hamilton is a city defined by its people. The thing is that its people are so magically diverse that there is no real way to define it at all.

My apartment building itself is filled with a mixture of the hopeful and hopeless. It was built sometime in the early 20s, meant to house Hamilton’s rich and famous. I like to imagine what it might have looked like in its day. As I walk through the halls, I hear the voice of Ron Burgandy echoing in my head, or maybe I am actually hearing it from someone’s TV. Regardless, Burgandy says, “I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.” If mahogany smells anything like marijuana, Ron Burgandy’s apartment and my apartment building have much in common.

Having been born and raised in a city Hamilton adjacent – one that prides itself on being both morally and economically superior to its blue collar neighbour – I have found myself surprisingly fond of my new home. I like it here.

“It’s not as bad as you think,” I once told a friend.

“You should take that to the tourism office. I think you just found a new slogan. Hamilton: it’s not as bad as you think.”

But, seriously, it’s not as bad as you think.

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Making Artistic Films

I have this wonderful idea for a series of non-pornographic adult films. So far, the series includes two films: Dirty Bitches Get Clean: Part One and its sequel: Dirty Bitches Get Clean: Part Two.

The first film would feature myself and one of my best friends doing household chores. We’d wash windows. Floors would be cleaned. Dusting would take place. Halfway into the film, there would be a knock at the door and a pizza delivery man would show up. “I have a hot delivery for you,” pizza man would say (as pizza men so often do). “Where do you want me to put it?”

“Oh, why don’t you put that on the table,” we would tell him.

But pizza delivery men are clumsy, so, in his journey from the front door to the table, he would drop the pizza on the floor.

“Oh no!” we would cry, “We are going to have to clean up all of that pizza!”

And scene.

Genius.

But probably not as genius as Dirty Bitches Get Clean: Part Two. Dirty Bitches Get Clean: Part Two is the real money maker.

Dirty Bitches Get Clean: Part Two involves, once again, myself and a friend. But the twist this time is that we are not cleaning houses. Instead, we are giving baths to dogs. To be more specific, we are giving baths to bitches. Dirty ones.

“Wow, this bitch is so dirty,” I would say to my co-star/friend. She, of course, would nod in agreement.

“This bitch has gotten me all wet,” my co-star/friend would say.

The beauty of this movie would be that not only do we make money from the sales of the film, but we also make money charging people to bathe their dogs.


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