Archive for the 'Unliked Stuff' Category

Stuff Megan Does Not Like (Part Four)

My cat.

Actually, I generally like my cat, but there was a time that this was not the case. It was several years ago, and it was largely the result of the rift between us that was caused almost entirely by his drinking problem.

cat

My cat is actually American. However, his nationality has nothing to do with the disdain I once felt for him. Rather, I was bothered by the air of superiority that he projected when in the presence of other cats and the way he insisted that a “real” football field was only 53 and 1/2 feet wide.

My cat is also technically a mutant. Aside from the power to annoy, he lacks any super abilities. However, he does have an unusually high quantity of toes. To be exact, my cat has twenty-seven toes. This is commonly referred to as polydactylism. I specifically sought him out because of this trait.

I’d become interested in polydactyl cats after visiting the home of Ernest Hemingway while I was in Key West, Florida. Polydactyl cats are supposed to bring good luck, but I think someone forgot to tell this to my cat.

My cat has many quirky traits that cause a special love/hate relationship to exist between us. For instance, my cat licks plastic. He also enjoys chewing on electrical cords. Have you ever had to tell a university professor that you weren’t going to be able to submit a paper on time because your cat chewed through your laptop’s power cord and your battery died? I have.

Although I lack actual proof, I think my cat may be evil.

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Stuff Megan Does Not Like (Part Three)

I do not like snakes. 

It is not that I think snakes are evil (although I do think snakes are evil), it is just that I do not trust anything that lacks both arms and legs and is able to dislocate its own jaw. Don’t get me wrong, I admire the kind of dedication it takes to dislocate one’s own jaw in order to eat something delicious; it is just that snakes give me the heebie-jeebies. 

Do you think snakes ever get dizzy because of the way in which they need to move from side to side in order to achieve forward momentum? 

I once watched this video of a squirrel that was very angry with a snake. I can only assume that the snake had made an attempt to eat the squirrel. Understandably, this was something that the squirrel did not enjoy. In order to indicate to the snake that this was not an appropriate initial introduction, the squirrel decided it would bite the snake. Repeatedly. Just when it appeared the squirrel had finished biting the snake, the rambunctious little rodent would come back for more. Once the snake had lost a substantial amount of blood and slithered out on to the road, the squirrel, deciding that its message had been received, departed. 

Sometimes snakes get inside of my house. When this happens, I have found the best way to handle the situation is to jump on some sort of piece of furniture that is elevated from the floor, point at the snake and say, “Eghhhhhhaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh,” until someone else comes to usher the snake out of the house. I am not saying this is how all people should handle unwelcome visits from snakes, I am just saying that this is the method that works for me.

Stuff Megan Does Not Like (Part Two)

legs

 

Running.

Let me tell you something about running: I am not good at it.

I may be one of the slowest runners alive. Actually, I would even go so far as to say that what I do does not really even qualify as running. It is pretty much walking, except I move my arms in a more exaggerated manner and get a lot more sweaty. 

Even though I despise running, for the last five weeks I have risen at 6 a.m. each Saturday morning to begin preparing for my running group. Running group does not actually begin until 7:30 a.m., but I have to brush my teeth, dress, eat breakfast and drive to my running partner’s house by 7:00 a.m. in order to arrive on time at the community centre the running group meets at.

Once we arrive at the community centre, I spend approximately five minutes lamenting to my running partner about my disdain for running. Usually, before five minutes have elapsed, we have started our morning run, and I am forced to make a choice between talking and breathing. 

Because I am not a runner, I am unable to complete our entire run without taking a couple of walking breaks. I have adopted a three minute run to one minute walk approach that gives my lungs a brief break. My running partner likes to run without these breaks. “When I stop,” she said one morning, “my legs start to feel heavy, like wood.” This is when I mocked her over her choice of words. Wood? Really? Not lead? Because most people probably would have used lead as a comparison. “You know how heavy wood is when it has been in water for a while?” I did not know, and our friendship has suffered ever since. 

I do sometimes worry that we will come to loathe one another because of these early morning runs. I hate running. She hates running. It only makes sense that, through classical conditioning, we will learn to associate one another with running and eventually hate each other. Actually, I am not worried as far as I am concerned. I have a winning smile and a sparkling personality. It is nearly impossible to dislike me.

Stuff Megan Does not Like

This week, I decided to stir things up on my blog. Instead of mentioning something I enjoy, I thought it would be fun to write entirely about something I do not enjoy. So here it goes.

Dolphins.

bottlenose_dolphin
I know, you are probably wondering how it is that anyone could dislike dolphins. “But dolphins are so magical,” you may be saying to yourself. I disagree.

dolphin

Dolphins are scary sea creatures – maybe even the scariest sea creature of them all. And that’s including sharks and those giant squids, with eyes the size of dinner plates, that occasionally wash up onto the shore. Thinking about their sharp little teeth and their permanent, condescending smiles, I am relieved that the domain of the dolphin is limited to saltwater.

dolphins

Now, do not get me wrong. I am not saying that dolphins are evil, but I am heavily implying it.

I was once forced to swim with dolphins while on a vacation in Mexico. Not only did I get water up my nose when the dolphins pushed me around their enclosure, but I also developed impressive bruises on my shins from where one of the dolphins hit me with its tail. I do not have any proof to back this up, but I am 93% sure that it was intentional. To make matters worse, this whole traumatic experience was videotaped and put to inspirational music so that I could relive the nightmare again and again from the comfort of my own home.


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